Having been a father now for 10 months, I’ve learned a few things. For your education or more likely amusement, allow me to share a few of the things I’ve learned. Oh, and for you regular readers, Logan is back to his normal happy self.
1. The amount you spend on a new outfit for a child is directly proportional to how quickly it will be ruined.
2. No matter how hard you try, there is no way to completely remove a “#2” type stain from an expensive white shirt.
3. No matter how much your child likes mandarin oranges, feeding them an entire can is a mistake. (see #1 and #2)
4. Introduce new foods in small amounts first. Logan really likes cheese, the day we learned this, my shirt was “decorated” twice .
5. No matter how well concealed you THINK you’ve made a cord, a determined, curious infant will find it.
6. Once your child becomes able to move of their own free will beyond simply rolling around, everything becomes a potential toy.
7. Cats are leary of infants. (see #6)
8. Men, no matter the age, are fascinated by remote controls.
9. Do not bother purchasing an outfit for the child that fits perfectly today. By tomorrow it won’t fit at all.
10. There are different crys, learn their meanings quickly.
11. Babies do not understand gravity, and trust you implicitly to make sure their introduction to it is not a negative experience.
12. YOU may think a toy is really cool, your opinion means nothing.
13. Never give your child a bath when you are fully dressed for work. That is a guarantee that you will end up wet.
14. Children who can’t speak still find effective ways to let you know they do not like certain foods. Logan’s preferred method is projectile
spitting. Protect yourself accordingly.
15. There is a direct relationship between the degree of horror found in a diaper and the amount of movement the child will demonstrate while trying to change said diaper.
16. Booger suckers are vile and disgusting, but effective.
17. Baby teeth HURT when used to bite your fingers.
18. No matter how hard you try, and how much attention you pay to your child, you cannot protect them from everything.
19. Do not play airplane with your child if they have recently eaten or drunk anything.
20. All kids develop at their own pace. Don’t pay too much attention to what the books say your child should be doing by “x” week.
21. Kids will amaze you with what they absorb from you, friends, and their environment. When I make a popping noise with my mouth, Logan imitates me. Make sure you are providing a good example, because even when you don’t think they are doing so, they are paying attention.
22. Diaper blowouts will happen to you. They are horrifying. Get over it. The kid can’t clean themself up, and all other parents understand what you’re dealing with, because they’ve done it too.
23. When your child scrunches up their face and makes “uhhhhh” noises, they are pooping, count on it.
24. Learn your child’s signals for “I’m tired” it will make your life much easier.
25. Your life has never been more fulfilling, challenging, and fast paced. Hold on tight, it flies by.